Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Physical Expectations

If you have gone on a few dates with a guy, or even one... and HE pays... are you expected to "put out"?
(disclaimer: the meaning of "put out" can mean a variety of things depending on your view of dating and sex, in this context to keep the blog PG rated, we will consider it kissing)

Research has been done on First Date Sexual Expectations. Research among college students shows (Emmers-Sommer, 2010) that when a man pays for dinner and a movie, the man generally has sexual expectations, and the woman an understanding of general social expectations (whether she agrees with it or not). Research also shows that even if a WOMAN pays for dinner and a movie, that the man still generally has sexual expectations because he thinks, "Heck, she liked me this much, of course she wants me." Before you think all men are pigs, the reason this is generally too could be for a couple reasons. First, women... are you "putting out" to make their expectations generally accurate, AND remember, men think of sex more and differently than women do (this was not stated in the Emmers-Sommer research, strictly RG). Oh yea, and one last thing. The same research study showed that men especially have sexual expectations if a woman goes to their home on the first date.
Research shows that if the bill is split 50/50 women finally aren't expected to give anything physical in return... Research indicates that GENERALLY when a couple splits the tab men see the relationship as "just friends" but women think they might possibly be in the running for at least a little smoochy pooh.

The reason I bring this up... is ladies, don't let general research, or social and perceived "expectations" guide your behavior. If you don't want to kiss the guy, don't kiss him. You should not feel that just because he bought you dinner that you are EXPECTED based on some set of social guidelines to thank him with your body. If you don't want to, don't. However, be aware of these expectations so that you are not leading a guy on or giving him the wrong impression.
Be both aware and confident in your dating endeavors.
Don't give in, just because you feel pressure.

"Pressure: It can turn a lump of coal to a flawless diamond OR an average person into a perfect Basket-case."

IF someone sings you this song:
That doesn't mean you have to dance with them to it.

Rules Girl

*Research: Emmers-Sommer "First Date Expectations" 2010

Monday, March 21, 2011

You look nervous, insecure, or lame when...

Here are some non-verbal cues that you're uncomfortable or even nervous when talking to someone. These THREE non-verbal cues often make it seem like you lack confidence or are insecure. Combat these non-verbals and be cognitively aware of what you are communicating.

1. Do NOT touch your face or mouth while you talk. For example, if you're chewing or you think your breath is bad, do not cover your mouth to hide it because you're drawing MORE attention to yourself. Take smaller bites, eat some gum, or scootchy scootch back nonchalantly if your breath is bad.

2. Lack of eye contact is a no no. We all know this, but are you implementing it. Where were you looking in that conversation? Were you looking at the floor? Their hair? Their... Wherever you were looking, it wasn't the right place. You need to maintain eye contact. Just don't give them a stare down, make sure to look away every so often so you don't seem creepy.

3. Wherever your shoulders or knees are facing shows some level of interest. It's just like what you learned at basketball camp when you were 10... SQUARE UP! Not interest as in "I want you I need you" but interest in conversing with the person. So, if you want to hear more about the person, or are enjoying the person in teh slightest, try with your best ability to point your shoulders and knees toward the person. Sometimes you're sitting side-by-side or in a circle so that makes things difficult, however... try your best to be facing and concentrating on the person you are conversing with.

If you DO NOT want to talk to someone, you can use these three cues to your benefit because IF the person is smart (has communication competence), they're get the picture, and leave you be. If not... welp, Then, you're just that gorgeous.

When conversing remember: FOCUS.

Rules Girl

Friday, March 18, 2011

RE-POST for reminding: Red Light - Green Light: A how-to on the first hand hold

It's important for both guys and girls to understand these cues. They're pretty much unwritten, aren't they? (Please do us all a favor, and forward to those who need the lesson)

Red Light: Arms crossed or somehow extremely "unavailable" screaming "STOP! DO NOT HOLD MY HAND!". This could get confusing when you're transitioning from what I like to call friend to friendlier or you're just... friends (wait for future post on this topic) because it's also very comfortable. hmmmm, tricky.
Women: Utilize if you are not interested.
Yellow Light: This is the hardest 'light'. Just as if you're debating whether or not to hit the gas and drive through the red light, you also might feel like you should stop... just to be safe. It's a gamble. Yellow light gestures include a very light crossing of the hands in the lap, slightly interlaced fingers, or the famous "twiddle". The bod can't help itself when it's nervous or anxious, it has to move (*hence why people bite nails etc).
Men: This is a position that leaves the girl 'free' enough for her hand to be held, but not vulnerable. Many confident, but not aggressive girls (aka many Rules Girls, but not all) utilize this technique. It also means you aren't repulsive. (phew!)
Green Light: HELLO WORLD! I AM READY FOR A HAND HOLD! Green light consists of palms up or obviously placed on the legs ready and willing to be held.
Men: Hold her hand or take note that it's time for you to run the other way if you're otherwise interested.
Women: Don't be a diva and pull this move if you don't want the guy to hold your hand. It's common-girl-sense not to do such things.

Uh-oh. Sweaty hands? Here are the **two best techniques...
1. Put them in your pockets and wipe it off (gross, but whatevs... we do what we gotta do)
2. Place something cold on your wrists. If you have the tendency to be clammy, get a diet coke and place your wrists on the cold drink while watching the movie(because DUH you're probs totes watching a movie on hand-hold night, he set it up like that on purpose... if he's smart).

Rules Girl

*source: Reading People by Jo-Ellan Dimitrius
**source: Tonya Reiman

Thursday, March 10, 2011

That thing you do

Do you have one of those characteristics you can tell someone close to you doesn't like about you? Or an interest that they just don't care about, and they even SHOW you non-verbally they don't want to listen or be involved with it.

Of course you do, we all do. I like to call it, "that thing you do"... yep, like the movie.

Does it ever frustrate you that the person you are close with doesn't like a huge part of who you are? Yea, it makes sense.

But instead of stewing over how they don't get you, or how you wish they liked that 'thing' about you, or the things you like - find someone else that actually likes 'that thing you do.' you can't MAKE people like what you like, or like you, but you can change the people? Now, I'm not saying getting a new love, best friend, or even mother because they don't like something about you, I'm trying to illustrate that if your lover, dad, or bff doesn't want to talk about Gossip Girl, contemporary art, or the weather... find another friend that does, to fill that void. AND so you don't feel sorry for yourself that they don't like something about you, or that you like.

What I'm saying is, find someone who is ok with 'that thing you do,' maybe even thinks it's cute, or fun!Most of the time 'that thing you do,' that characteristic or interest you have, isn't necessarily a BAD thing, it's just not THEIR thing. (please be sure to evaluate whether it is a negative quality, or just not their thing before continuing this process)...

This is important to do while searching for a future love. (not that you're searching, more like weeding out)... Because you need to make sure that the big parts of you are either appreciated or listened to, or at least not non-verbally or verbally discarded, ignored, or considered unimportant or too much for them to handle. You don't want to feel like you can't be you.

And everyone has those things they do.


Rules Girl

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Love the crap out of 'em.

Women are generally more critical than men (this is not ALWAYS the case - hence the general in there). With that said, we must make sure to sing our lovers praise when we can. Remind them how much you love them OFTEN, and shower them with the much needed affection that every man needs. If you need to grab him and have a corny dance with him to the song below, then do it. He needs it.

I know I've been caught in the trap of insecurities, fear, or that he'll think that I'm more into him than I really am and I'm sure some of you have too. But, it's better for him to know how you feel, than to feel like you don't like, loake, or love him enough.
Those of you who don't have lovers, just love hard in general.

Rules Girl

Monday, March 7, 2011

On top of the world

Ever seen this movie? ....

or heard this song???....

Yessssssssssssss. Both of them make me feel so on top of the world. Well, recently I was a lil sick... but then, when you feel good again (like I do now) you feel like the world is yours to be had! That's how I hope each of us feels as a Rules Girl when it comes to all this dating stuff. It's hard to not let it get to us. I mean the whole, he likes us, he likes us not... we tried it- it didn't work, or we didn't express ourselves so duh it didn't work...ok ok or whatever the story is. Sometimes it all just gets really old and we just want to quit, lie in bed and watch re-runs of Grey's Anatomy (or... ok, insert fav here). However, it's our job as confident and healthy relationshipers to get back at it. And here's the best part, you shouldn't need a MAN to make you happy (they're great an all, but really hun? He'll like ya more if you're happy already...). You shouldn't need romantic love to feel happy. You should just BE happy. LET yourself be happy. Do whatever it is you need to do, to get back on top of the world. The song above might be a good starting place to begin the saga of your life in which you feel ON TOP OF THE WORLD. I love this song and for those of you that grew up with the Disney Channel it used to be on my fav Disney original movie, Motocrossed (see pic above)... yesssssss, loved it. Totes had it on VHS. It was almost as good as 3 ninjas (Rocky loves, Emily...Rocky loves Emily... ok you have to see it to know what I'm talking about.)

Anyhoodlesssssss- Do what you need to do, to be on top of the world.

Hike, swim, write a thank you, jog, dance, work, skinny dip, eat carbs, etc...


Rules Girl

Friday, March 4, 2011

In a good place right now?...


Stalking your ex's when you're on a *freedom high is just as bad as touching the mouse in this pic. Grossssssssssss...

When you're in a good place, don't ruin it by STALKING YOUR EX's... DUH, bleck, yucky yuck! I know, I shouldn't have said duh because we all know it and do it anyway. STOP! have some self control... or if you don't have self control, express in some other facet of your life and indulge in some extra transfats. If you're in a good place, why go back to the old? Ew, no thanks... stay happy. You have control over your state of well-being, so keep your being well.
Next time you're having a happy day and you're tempted to stalk your ex's... say no!!!
No to...
ok, not really drugs, but kinda.... Yea... then again I guess love is a type of drug according to Ke$ha...

Rules Girl

*freedom high used out of context from the book "Freedom Summer" by Doug McAdams

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Eye flirting

I'm sitting face to face, but kitty-corner from this dude. He's not the hottest guy in the room, but at the same time he's attractive and we are eye flirting. Yes, eye flirting. What the? What does that mean, you ask? Well, it's stealing glances at each other here and there, mainly when they're not looking, but then sometimes they catch you and you hurry and look the other way. Pretty much we're just making each other feel all pretty inside...and out.

Whoa. NOOOOO too intense. You're not a vampire. Pipe down.
Be approachable, but not available. Steal the glance, but make sure to look away.
She's forgetting to look away and now it just looks creepy stalkery...

oooooooh yeah. There ya go. The sucker just makes it all that much better... yep, grab a sucker, uh oh you started smacking and sloshing, ok throw away the sucker. Anyway, she's got it. You can tell she's stealing a glance from behind her hair, but she's about to look back. She's the winner. Eye flirt like her.
The eye flirt is a good way to get things started if YOU are feelin' like it... or feelin' IT.
I mean even eHow our trusty friend (yea, I've never heard of it either til now) says the following:
"Your eyes can reveal much about you. They can reveal your likes and dislikes, your mood and when you are receptive to another person's attention. Flirting with your eyes is a special way to let others know that you are interested in them. You can open the lines of communication without saying a word."
The eyes are the window to the soul.
baha. anyway.
So... moral of the story. Why eye flirt?
Because it's flirting and doesn't have to have a follow up (up tot he imagination) and sometimes that's good for the dating soul.
;) <--- from me to you. getcha getcha getcha Get yer eye flirt on.

Rules Girl

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Fragile Strength

Ever feel like someone could knock you over if they blew hard enough in your direction? Ever felt fragile, like you know the smallest thing is about to set you off any minute? I know I preach that Rules Girls are confident and tough as nails, but I have to remind you that it's healthy to let your emotions show. Sometimes you've got to let it out whether it be through crying, talking, running, painting, or singing. Whatever it is you need to do... take the time to do it, because you're about to burst, break, or go up in flames and that will NOT be pretty.

Stop being so strong all the time and just break down. Have that good break down you need and get back on your feet. It's healthy, and healthy is the Rules Girl way.... that's right... just dust yourself off and try again.

I know fragile and strength seem completely opposite, but welcome to the world of women. We have our ups and we have our downs. It's ok to feel a little fragile sometimes as a girl... it's our prerogative... it actually shows how strong you are that you allow yourself a healthy feeler.


then get up and do it again.


Rules Girl