Monday, February 28, 2011

Why are relationships always so good in the beginning?

Sometimes you ask yourself, how come relationships are so good in the beginning? These guys know what it's like to be at the beginning of something. Haha. (If you don't get it, they are the band "The Starting Line").
Your new relationship probably feels more care free for myriad of reasons including :the last one didn't end well and your heart hurt... so this attention feels real nice. However, the biggest reason why your new relationship is feeling so fine and dandy, care free, liberating, and invigorating... is because you haven't quite reached a certain level of intimacy yet. (Intimacy does not just mean sex. It's any high level of emotional involvement.)
Research on interpersonal relationships explains that "As intimacy increases, so does conflict."*
This means that the more intimate, close, interdependent you become with someone, the more conflict you will have in your relationship. Don't forget, conflict isn't necessarily a BAD thing. I mean just think about it. In the beginning you aren't as aware of their history, their ex's, the way they spend their money, how they spend their time, and their ideological leaning. There isn't as much history between you and them either, you haven't had enough intimate experience together to get to the big conflict part yet. Once you have a joint bank account, your interdependence and intimacy is clearly on a different level. There is more likely conflict to be had on the subject of finances, right? Of course right.
So if you're in dream land, just be aware that eventually reality will strike and you'll realize, no relationship is perfect or free of conflict. You're just at the starting line. Now, I'm not sure what race you're running... 100 meter dash, hurdles, or the cross country endurance run, but you've got a lot of running and conflict to go until you reach some sort of finish line.
I'm not suggesting that you can't enjoy a relationship or that it isn't AWESOME to be in one, just a little heads up to you idealistic newbies, they're all hard... conflict is inescapable, and is not always a BAD thing, for it is the only way to produce wanted and needed change.

Rules Girl

*Huston 1981

Friday, February 25, 2011

Rule #.00001

Rules Girls are

We walk confident and act like we LOVE ourselves, even if sometimes we have "one of those days." We are not egotistical thinkin' we can do what we want and get who we want... but we do walk tall and proud. We are beautiful and lovable because we work and dream hard. If you're having "one of those days" where you just don't feel like the pretty girl you are... give a listen to Keri Hilson...

Stand up and DO THE PRETTY GIRL (especially because she's a 20's flapper and that's totes my decade)
YOU... are a 10.
Rules Girl

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

scary... is this more than a crush?

Does it scare you to think this thing you have might be more than a little crush? What do you do? Back away, go forward, stand still? Are you spinning? Going crazy?

First step: calm down.
Second step: take a step back and ask, is it more than a crush for them too?
Third step: decide whether you want to bring it up or not, is it worth ruining what you have? Should you just wait it out for a little bit?

The Rules Girl can't tell you what to do beyond that, it's up to you to decide.
Rules Girl

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

What do you want from me?

Have you ever been THAT girl? Have you ever been the subject of the song below? The one that calls, and can't let go? Rules Girls recognize their massive mistakes and try to be rid of their old and awful ways. We all have growing to do and the first step is recognizing you are or were THAT girl. Not sure? Ask yourself if you are doing this to someone (calling, texting, still talking when it's over)...Are they hurting, because of you?
Song lyrics:
Why'd you call me today with nothing new to say?

You pretend it's just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.
Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin' to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin' me back, takin' me back where I've already been.
When we hang up it's almost like I'm losing you again.
Can't you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?
I get so tired of living like this.

I don't have the time, neither do my friends,
To stay up at night, to pull me through,
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.

You would never want to have them hurt because of you, so do what you gotta do. And if you were the one doing it and feel awful now, take this time to grow and change... and never put someone through it again.

Rules Girl

Monday, February 21, 2011

Stop being pathetic.

It's time to stop being pathetic.
You know it's time, but still you keep hanging on.
But ... it's clear he doesn't want you and that he's moved on... or that he just is NO GOOD for you.
I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to be the friend who isn't too nice to say it, and help make that little voice inside your head more like surround sound. Man, I love surround sound. It makes everything sound so much clear, and REAL. I AM BEING REAL HERE! Stop being pathetic and move along. Love your life for what it is. You have it in you, and YES another one WILL come along just like mama told you...

even though that's the last thing you want to hear right now.

Rules Girl

Friday, February 18, 2011

Don't just blah..... blah...... blah

Don't just blah barf all over your man all the time. It's ok when you're excited to tell him good news, bad news, new news, or haven't seen humankind in a while to talk a lot. But sometimes, the talky talk is too much for the poor guy.

Don't just blah barf all over your man.

Ke$ha knows all about it.

Rules Girl
and Ke$ha

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Girls need Girls

Girls need their Girls.

It's important that if you're in a relationship... or even if you're not, to have some girlfriends. For example, if you just feel the need to gossip. You're man probs doesn't care about Holly's awful new doo or how she got a fungus getting her mani. I'm not sayin' going out on the town every night... just have some space. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. He'll probs like you a little more if you're not there as much.

baha. jkjkjkjk.


Get some girl friends. Have some girl talk. Squeal n'stuff. It's good for ya.

Rules Girl

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

How to be an RG on the FB like... like... omg

Let him add you. If you only like him as a friend, go ahead...add him. But if you're looking for romance, don't look over eager.
Posting: Again, let them initiate the conversation. Just don't forget to facilitate the opportunity. Post something in your status you think they would respond to, or if they write on your wall, make sure you write back. But don't be eager beaver and respond 2 seconds later. Don't forget... Rules Girls have lives.
Chat: Don't respond too fast, but leave them completely hangin'. Again, you have a life.
Photos: Don't post and tag every photo of you two together that you've ever taken. Maybe tag one of a few and let them tag themselves. Also, don't post pics that make it look like you're together when you're not sure if you are... When you post too many pics you may make it look like A. you like him more than you do B. making him think you're eager or desperate. (<--Rules Girls are NOT DESPERATE)

Just don't forget. Keep fb contact whitty and make it look like you're smart, happy, and have a life. Keep the TMI to yourself.

xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxo n'stuff
Rules Girl

Old posts that incorporate how to be an RG on Facebook
Facebook flirting
Facilitation and Exposure

Monday, February 14, 2011

Somebody call the Waaaaaaaaaaaammmmmbulance.

Stop crying about not having someone for Valentines Day. Just because you're single doesn't mean you're a spam single classic.
You're getting on my nerves.
You're ...

and best of all you have dreams. Go out and live them. He'll come along.
Don't be all anti-V-day hater because you don't have a lover.
and being bitter gives you wrinkles.
like... ew.
Love yourself.
No desperadoes here. Just happy campers.
If you're feeling sad, go love someone that needs loving more than you. There always is one.

Make this ti a HAPPY Valentines Day!!
hearts and x's and lots of o's,
Rules Girl

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Tweet THIS!/xoxoRulesGirl

Rules Girls a TWEETIN'!
chirpity tweeterson
Follow me on Twitter and let me know if you want ME to follow YOU.

Rules Girl

What's your Love Style?

I just took an scholarly-academic measure* indicating my love style. Yes, there is an official test unfortunately I don't have the measure for you to take, but here are the different love styles. You can be a mixture, but usually you are 1-3 dominantly. For example, I am Eros, Pragma, Agape.... What are YOU?
- The other person's beauty is of utmost importance.
- Positive physical chemistry is a must have.
- Puts physical over psychological (looks over emotional/mental connection)
- Accelerates quickly (falls hard, crashes hard)
- When physical imperfections set in, they move on to someone else. Or when someone MORE attractive shows interest, they move on.
- Often feel unfulfilled relationally.
- fun and excitement are critical to their relationships
- game playing
- when fund ends, so does the relationship
- "I just wanna have fun"
- fidelity is not as important
- start as friends (friendship first then it developed to romantic)
- not a lustful/passionate thing
- not plagued by sexual issues/not the focus
- not big on "love things" such as anniversaries or milestones
- practical and traditional
- focus on roles and cultural influence
- interested in how the person will fit in with their family, future, friends and career.
- Asks, "will they be a good spouse?" "good father?"
- Careful decision making relationship-er.
- rarely break up once fully committed/married.
- love is practical.
- when things are good, they're real good. but when they're bad... they're real bad.
- elation/depression
- peaks and pitfalls
- loves intensely
- fears losing mate
- break up and get back together over and over.
- selfless
- you're happy, I'm happy.
- loves people.
- spiritual
- generous and compassionate
- does not expect things in return (ex: if you tell someone you love them, you don't expect them to say it back, you said it because you like to express yourself etc)
You can see how some Love Styles are more likely to date/marry other love styles... Sometimes one of your love styles takes over the other...

Rules Girl
Stay Tuned! The next post will be in answer to a letter about "how to be a Rules Girl, on Facebook"...

*John Lee and Hendrick & Hendrick (Texas Tech)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

He wasn't real...

Have you ever felt like you fell in love with someone that wasn't real? You touched him and he was no floating Devan Sawa, but the actual Caspery ghost guy. You look back and realize the person you were in love with wasn't really them at all. They were not real, and what you thought they were is cold and see through.

They might be real for a brief second (and yes Casper you can keep me). This happens to us sometimes. Sometimes we think we know someone, but then we look back and realize one of two things:
1. They were playing us. Not in the cheating sense, but in the sense that they were acting, or putting on a show to get us, and now they seem worlds different than they were, mainly because they're free to be themselves now.
2. We were living in a dream world. We thought they were different or more than they actually are, simply because we wanted them to be. We wanted it to work or worse yet, we loved them.

Sometimes it's a mixture of the above. They were giving you what you wanted, because they wanted you for a hot second, AND you were so caught up in the moment that you went with it. Whatever it was, they aren't who we thought they were, and it's a devastating and scary feeling to realize you were either tricked, or tricked yourself. However, Rules Girls... be grateful you know. Just goes to show you should always go with your gut whether you know why you're doing it or not. It's worth it.

Be with someone REAL.

Rules Girl

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Conflict is not spelled "B-A-D"

What's your perception of conflict? Of confrontation? Good? Bad?
Well, Conflict is not BAD. Conflict can be either constructive or destructive, all depending on how you deal with it. So, don't cower away from your lover if they bring up something that bothers them or that concerns them about the relationship. It's better to address it, for the number 1 reason for divorce is because of AVOIDANCE. Not addressing or acknowledging a problem because you are afraid of conflict, leads to the end of relationships. This includes, being passive aggressive or the dreadful SILENT TREATMENT. Buck up buttercup and start recognizing that conflict is inevitable and the more you recognize how it can actually be helpful to you, the better your relationships and life will be. Now, there is much to be said about conflict, especially about relational conflict. However, what I thought might be helpful for you is to better understand what types of conflict STYLES exist. What is yours? Honestly acknowledge your type of conflict style so that you can improve if necessary. Now remember, you might vary from situation from situation, but your style is how you most often handle conflict.

Competing - highly assertive, low cooperation, goal is to "win"
Avoiding - low assertiveness, low cooperation, goal is to "delay" and hope it goes away.
Compromising - moderate assertiveness, moderate cooperativeness, goals is to find "middle ground"
Collaborating - high assertiveness, high cooperation, goal: win-win.
Accommodating - low assertiveness, high cooperativeness, goal is to yield (let the other person address the issue and lead the way.)

Now, according to conflict management scholars*, the optimal conflict style is collaborative. To strive for a win-win, and to be highly assertive in initiating issues, and highly cooperative when someone else does. Unfortunately we were never taught conflict management skills in kindergarten when it probably would have been useful. Now is the time... now is the time.

Rules Girl

*Wilmot, Culpach, Canary, Spitzberg, etc.