Friday, January 21, 2011

The Tab, something much bigger than just money- LETTER TIME!!!!!!!

Hi Rules Girl,
I enjoy your blog. You seem to have this rules thing down, I have a question/problem I hope you can answer. I have just started dating again after divorce and am new to the rules. I cannot, CANNOT, let a guy pay for me on a date without making an offer to split the bill. I understand the reasoning behind this, but somehow it feels instinctively wrong to me for some reason. Deep down, I think I'm afraid he will feel taken advantage of. I have tried to just smile sweetly, but I swear I get an anxiety attack when the check comes, and I am unable to keep my mouth shut. I went out for coffee with a guy and I think it put him off that I ordered and paid for my own coffee. What is wrong with me and how do I train myself to not do this?

Hey Girl Hey,

Welcome to the Rules Girl! First of all, part of becoming a Rules Girl and trying to become more secure, confident and better relationship-er is letting go of the parts of the "old you," you know probably weren't the best for you in the past. This is a hard thing to do with something even as minute as not paying for the bill, but this is going to be your first step. Maybe sit and think about why it is that you have issues with paying for the bill? Maybe in your past marriage there were money issues, or you have insecurities with allowing someone to be your provider, protector, or even trusting them. Allowing a guy to pay for your food, meal, or coffee is a symbol of something more than them paying for you. Guys have an instinct to be manly, provide, and protect their women. They WANT to do this for you. I promise. And if they don't, they aren't keepers. Yes, that's a pretty hasty generalization but that's because of what paying for the first date symbolizes for a man. It's the first sign of you being able to trust them. Trust that they can provide for you and protect you. LET THEM be a man, stroke their ego a little bit and allow them to pay. Don't forget to thank them more than just one weak "thanks" (blush) though. Make sure they know you appreciated it and talk up the food or say how much you love coffee. You can do it 'L,' just let yourself. Look at it as if you are overcoming a whole separate issue and allowing yourself to BE YOU, a woman that is respected and beautiful, and worthy of being taken out!!!! You noticed that the guy was a little put off by this, that's because it's a sign that you wanted to be taken out and go out with the guy, so if you actually like the dude, let him pay. If not, then give him the "I just want to be friends" symbol by paying for yourself.
Just fyi, splitting the tab is something you do later in the relationship, probably around the 3rd date, or on the 2nd offer to pay for the tip or dessert. Good luck girl, we're all cheering for you.

Rules Girl


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