Saturday, January 31, 2009

Rules Girl Success = Marriage?

Why do Rules Girls live a life of such strict obedience?

For the end goal…Marriage.

Uhhhh....... psh NO.


Let's have a looksy.

Rules Girl Success is NOT defined by the following:

- “Action”

- A long series of ups and downs leaving you wondering if you’re at a theme park, or the circus

- Scoring a boyfriend or husband. (cringe)

- A guy who supposedly loves you, but won’t do much about it. Patience is of course a virtue, but only for so long until it comes completely ridiculous.

- Confusion


Rules Girl Success IS defined by these examples:

- A not-too-long relationship resulting in a break up where both parties let each other move on

- Feeling beautiful and smart in their presence (99% of the time)

- RESPECT

- Steady and committed understanding of where the relationship stands


Being a Rules Girl is all about living the best quality of life we can and dodging the too-long unhealthy relationships of convenience and one-sided love. Of course we want to find love, be loved, give love…but all of this should come with the balance of loving your life and feeling confident in your relationship and about yourself.

*Capiche?

Capiche.


XOXO

Rules Girl

*kapish.

Disclaimer: I’m not saying you won’t feel pain or loss or that it was a clean split. I’m just saying that while you HAD it… you HAD it. It wasn’t a lackadaisical emotional insane asylum 85% of the time.

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Friday, January 30, 2009

Body Language - Be interested, but not OVER interested

We're going to have a little Body-language lesson on how you can show interest without looking ridiculously in love with the guy.

Here are the three main things to think about:


Feet, Eyes, and Arms.

FEET
Whatever direction your feet are pointing (whether standing or sitting) will show where your focus lies. For example, if your feet and body are facing the door... that subconsciously screams to the other person that you want to leave (this can be used to your advantage if you DO want to leave). If you face the person with body, legs, and feet it shows you are interested and focused on the conversation. DO NOT stand too close to them. It makes you look like you're totes way into it.

EYES
The number one turn off is when you're eyes are wandering the room trying to find 'the next best thing'. Stay focused. Pay attention when they're talking, but of course look away every so often so it doesn't creep them out. (where to look? Even if you look at their hand as they talk, or their shoulder, any slight eye movement away and back again)

ARMS
This is hard. Try not to cross your arms if you can help it. Stay open. Put your hands in your pocket or put something in your hand to hold or something.

DO NOT OVER-TOUCH the guy. Touch his arm or whatevs, but don't be too laughy-touchy cuz that just looks ditzy if you do it too much. Touch is meant to draw attention to you, and make them focus since they're drawn by 'they physical', but if it's overused.. it's the image you DON'T want.

All of these are overall good body language tactics. If you're worried the person doesn't know you have a little interest, pick it up a notch... but never too much!!!

Don't forget! Feet, Eyes, and Arms!!!
ps. Guys... this can work for you too

XOXO
Rules Girl

sources: Reading People and Tonya Reiman's Body Language

Dear Rules Girl - should I offer to pay?

Dear Rules Girl,

So apparently the newest reason why girls stay single is because they offer to pay... I never really have the intention to pay when I am on a first, second or even third date (my intentions to pay only start once we’ve been dating a long time and that we go out so much its impractical for him to pay for everything we do). However, I have been told that I should at least “do the reach” and pretend like I am willing to pay even though I don’t really have any intention to pay. So question 1: What’s the deal, should I “do the reach” or not? I do think it is cheap if the guy doesn’t pay but I don’t want to come off as a snobby girl expecting for him to pay for everything.

Secondly, I was recently out on a date with a guy who is in school. I am a working professional with a decent income. How do you deal with bills in those situations. Should I enable him to accrue more debt and be a gentleman or should I insist on paying? If I had it my way, I would be paying because a)I like being in charge and b) debt is bad (even if it means I get a free dinner).

From,

I’ve got dollars but no cents

Dear I’ve got dollars but no cents,

HE IS TAKING YOU OUT, BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH HIS DOLLARS AND CENTS. You WILL NOT Pay on the first date no matter how bad you feel or how much money you make. Let him be the man, and let your conscience rest at ease. If you’re having anxiety on the second date, offer to pay for the tip. Don't reach for it. That's ridic to "pretend"...


Here’s what guys have to say about it:

That would be like me taking a look at the check when my boss offers to take me out”

“ If you are gonna reach for the check then you had better be willing to throw down the cash.”

SO don’t fret. Especially in the beginning…like you said, wait until you’ve been out more to start worrying about paying for each other and sharing the weight.


ahhhh what a sight to behold... isn't it refreshing?

Let him feel like the bread winner he’s potentially going to be. Believe me… he wants to be the man. If he doesn’t… then you don’t want him anyway, right?

If he looks like this because you didn't "reach" for the bill... I don't even want to know what he looks like when he buys a ring.
XOXO
Rules Girl
(anti-dutch diva)

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Generational Dating Differences

I know it's frustrating when Aunt Vicky or Grandma Sue says the dreaded words, you should date more.

Mehrrrrrrrrrrr...Thanks Grandma, hadn't noticed but thanks for the reminder.

Don't cry Rules Girl... because we're ok. We're OK with not dating all the time. We want to live our lives the best we can by having lots of friends and fulfilling relationships of all sorts. If it's not in the stars for love to be ours right away, then that's the way it's going to be whether we mourn it's non-existence... or not.

Your auntie, grandma, sister, mom or friends are or were in a completely different situation than you - they may not realize that outside high school and college, the options become fewer and farther between or they forget that dating for each age range varies.

For example:
Age 6 dating: Chase each other around the playground, maybe pull some hair
.
Age 11 dating: Couple skating at the roller-rink

ok, so it was a little different than this
Age 13 dating: Dancing with your hands around their neck instead of hand in hand.
Age 16 dating: toilet papering and putting confetti in their room, along with a note that says "let's go to prom... tom" and creatively organized group dates
Age 18 dating: More organized group dates

Age 21+ dating: One on One (guy asks girl - always)


Maybe the person giving you grief dated and got married in the Age 18 date range, or didn't want to progress to Age 21+ and stayed in the organized group date range.
Rules Girls grow up and date like grown ups. Creative Dates are fun... but make sure it's organized differently than it would've been in the Age 18 date range, and ESPECIALLY not the Age 16 date range.

Happy Dating! OR Happy NOT-Dating :)
Whatever happens...happens. Embrace it.

XOXO
Rules Girl

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

How to Combat... THE VOID

Being the relationship-oriented females that we are... we have the tendency to hang on to old flings of the past. ESPECIALLY when we have (clear throat)... nobody new. Life is rough with no love interests and since Rules Girls don't just fall for ANY guy, it's hard to find another like the last. This is why I write about the dreaded Void.

The Void:
The sulky bored with our love lives state of being. We concentrate on old flings of the past while waiting for something new to spur up.

Don't Look:
It's hard because we know that even if we look for someone, we probably won't find them. Life just seems to hand us things when we aren't looking. So my suggestion is to keep your eyes open, but don't strain yourself by looking so hard because it won't come any faster.

Avoid and Demolish the Void:
I have a suggestion on HOW to combat the Void. Utilize the emotion of boredom, pain or anxiety you feel and push it into another outlet. Is there something you've been wanting to spend more time on? A talent or hobby you want to pursue? Think about it now, and make a decision. What will YOU think about instead of the Void? We'll call it your Void Combat Move. Here are some suggestions for your Void Combat Move:
- learn to play the guitar/start a band
- write in your journal, a novel or a poem
- sing so LOUD you can't hear yourself think
- learn the Presidents of the United States
- knit, scrapbook, stamp...
- make a movie


gotta love anime kung fu


choose your weapon...
Some of my best work has come while I'm emotional, frustrated, or feeling stagnate. Get Creative and I guarantee you'll have the same result. Every time you have the Void feeling... concentrate on your Void Combat Move and think Hiiiiiii-YA!

Hiiiiiiiiii YA!
XOXO
Rules Girl

Monday, January 26, 2009

Smothered.


The Smothered topic comes up a lot, and needs to be brought to our attention WITHOUT us getting our feelings hurt. So before you read this say to yourself, my feelings are NOT hurt.

Some thoughts from guys:
"Don't puppy dog me to stay over till all hours of the night unless I want to."
"The thing I hate is when the girl just always expects that you will hang out
every night, and of course you want to because you like her, but you also like time to do your own thing. Even if it's just watching TV or reading."
"I just want time to process things and think on my own, even to get things done." "Once you get serious you start seeing each other more and more, because if you are going to marry them you want to know if you could see them everyday. It can be a test of 'make it, or break it' when you hang out a lot. Don't break it before the relationship even gets serious."

I'm the logical one from the outside, and you're the emotional one on the inside... so here's the Logic: It's actually really simple so don't over complicate things. Guys need time to themselves and it's NOT because they don't like you or because they're bored or annoyed, it is what it IS. They want some time to themselves. As you get more serious you will hang out more (obvs), but don't rush this. Having too much of anyone when you need time to yourself can break ANY relationship, no matter how much you love them... think about it. Even when you're married, you spend time doing your own things, so give them a little space every so often. Especially if he's the Mr. Wonderful we are all in relationships with, he's ambitious and busy too! We don't have to hang out EVERY DAY! Give them a day off!

In a Gender Differences class I learned something that helps me understand this better. *Guys are task oriented. They are not driven by relationships like girls are, but by subconscious or conscious check lists. Translation: They hang out with us because they know they need to in order to keep the relationship afloat and to show love (like). You have to remember we think and show love differently!!! It's not that they don't like you... they just like some time to themselves, that's why I suggest letting them initiate a little more of the contact.
A couple things to keep in mind:
1. Do NOT withdraw from your boy just because of this information... that was NOT the point. You can still open up, while backing off.
2. If your guy wants to spend less and less and less and less time with you... read the signs and ask him what's up. But if he just wants a couple days to himself a week, no freaking out until further notice.

So... instead of having your feelings hurt from this post, give the guy some space because you UNDERSTAND that he's trying his best too.

XOXO
Rules Girl

*Source: Looking Out Looking In

Confidence

The only reason I started this blog was because I really wanted girls to feel like I did when I changed my mind about the dating game. I didn't start it to have girls live by crazy rules...the rules aren't important, it's your mindset. I know I've said this time and time again, but I just needed to clarify. I don't write this blog to bring us down, but to bring us together and help us realize we deserve a guy who wants us back.

Find your passions in life, and live with confidence knowing you're doing your best and loving every minute of it.

XOXO
Rules Girl

Sunday, January 25, 2009

"I want someone opinionated, but open minded too..."

I asked my friend Quinn what girls should know, and here's what he said...
Scenario = First Date

Quinn: So what kind of music do you like?
Non-Rules Girl: Uhhh I like everything.
Quinn: Oh yeah? Cool. How about movies?
Non-Rules Girl: yea of course
Quinn: What's your favorite?
Non-Rules Girl: oh, how could I choose? I don't know... I can't think of any.
Quinn: Cool. So is there any kind of food you prefer, or should we just go to this restaurant I was thinking
of?
Non-Rules Girl: I like all foods, the one you chose is fine.


Bored? Yea, Quinn and I are too. Quinn is wondering if he took out a girl... or a rock.


photo by A.P.
Along with having lives, Rules Girls have personalities, preferences and opinions. We aren't over the top with sharing them all the time (some more than others) but we know what we like and don't like.

Why and how do we fall into this trap:
A. You like the guy to take the lead, and you get so comfortable letting him lead that you sometimes dont' speak up.
B. You don't want to mess things up by having too different of an opinion of something serious.
C. You like most things.
D. Other

How to combat the above:
A. Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean you're the head cheeze. Just make sure you have a healthy balance of knowing what you want, and not being overbearing.
B. You most likely won't mess things up, just by having a different opinion. If you disagree on something too serious, wouldn't you want to know about it earlier than later anyway? At ease soldier.
C. You can like a lot of things, but have favorites as well. Figure out what those favorites are, and share them.
D. e-mail therulesgirl@gmail.com


How can a guy get to know you if you don't know what you want or like? Just be you. Only a few things will happen either way.
1. You won't go out again because you were too quiet
2. There was no chemistry
3. You had a lot in common.


So go get *opinionated. Try some foods, listen to some music... let yourself be knowable.

XOXO
The Rules Girl

*disclaimer: I'm not saying you have to talk politics all the time, or bash anyone or thing... Don't shoot down things they say and don't be overbearing...just be you.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

He said I could

This is a dangerous rationalization.


not this one silly, the one below it.

You told your boy about the rules. (I forgot to tell you... you probs shouldn't do that.) Then you told him "I'm just going to text you whenever I want" and he said "good, I like that".

Fine whatevs, he can say he's ok with that... but what about when he starts feelings smothered? He won't realize this is where the problem lies... he may not know where to draw the line of letting you text him, call him, gchat him... but neither will you. By that point, it doesn't matter. He's annoyed, he needs a 'break', some space, some time.

I'm not saying this ALWAYS happens, but I won't say it never has either... I'm saying THINK about the concept of the rule, why follow it?

The Mindset - Think about the concept behind the "rules"

I just realized my logo is dumb. Lifestyle and mindset are pretty much the same definition on dictionary.com. Dang it, I thought I was so creative. I'll change it soon.

Ohwell - the point was this: It's not the Rules themselves, it's what they MEAN. I'm trying to do is open your eyes and remind you to THINK and realize that you don't want to force yourself into anyone's life.

For example: My last post with the texting role play. You don't have to follow EXACTLY what it said... "uh oh, i waited 2 minutes instead of 7 to text him back". NO NO NO. THINK about the concept behind the rule. Why wait? Because I'm not so desperado and so into a guy I don't even know yet, that I text him back as soon as I get the text. Besides, I have stuff to do. It's not even neccessarily what you're portraying to him, but changing your OWN mindset, for YOU.

Get it now? I sure hope so because I bolded a lot.
If not... man, I need to figure out where the miscommunication lies.

XOXO
Rules Girl

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

At their disposal

When you think about that phrase, as it really is... it sounds horrible.

Well it IS horrible to be AT THEIR DISPOSAL. We aren't doing this for the pride factor, we're doing this because we want a guy that wants us, not because it's convenient and he's bored.

Disposal: Something to get ride of... mainly: TRASH

Rules Girls are not On-Demand. If a special and really hot someone texts us and invites us to come over and watch a movie... we don't speed over at the drop of a hat as if we didn't have something else to do that night. We... reschedule. Let's Role Play

Hottie(8:01pm): Hey what's up? (he initiated contact! nice!)
me (8:17pm): Not too much, you?
(he's being vague, careful with your answer)
Hottie(8:29pm): Wanna come over and watch a movie?
(sure hope this isn't a booty call... I know you want to go...)
me (8:34pm): oh, I acutally told Anna I'd hang with her. but I totes want to see that movie maybe thursday or something?
(throw him a bone for a couple days later, he's not used to Rules Girls. If you don't have something to do, use your lag time to find something to do. It can be ANYTHING you want to actually be doing.)
Hottie (8:36pm): ya sounds good
(we don't know if he'll contact us again, but if he REALLY wants to hang out... you did your part in reciprocating and giving him the option of setting it up again)

Please note the "let him sweat time" you had in between texts. You didn't respond RIGHT away, but you responded in a timely manner.

I'm fully aware that this sounds NUTS. He could also end up sending you the same text thursday instead of getting the point and letting you know earlier. However, you did already kinda set it up...

Remember: you didn't reject him, you rescheduled. Hopefully he likes you enough to hold you to it.

XOXO
Rules Girl

Monday, January 12, 2009

Go ahead... think I'm wrong. BUT I'm the logical one from the outside... you're the emotional one, remember?

Let's get logical, I mean that IS what I'm here for. I'm the logic that is BLINDED and SMOTHERED by your female emotions. I've done it. I've been there, so don't try and rationalize that I wouldn't understand. I had that guy who left and kept popping back in. Who wanted it, but not enough...

"Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you." - exerpt from the book,
He's just not that into you by Greg Berhendt and Liz Tuccillo.


Get Logical.

I used to think that after a serious relationship you could still be friends. But now? Now I yell, "RUN!". RUN FAR AND FAST and don't look back until you're strong enough. We're emotional, duh, so this is where the brain takes control (hard to do). You cannot have his presence in your life everyday and expect yourself to be ok and move on. You'll be stuck for months, and even years. If you EVER want to mend... sprint. (this includes facebook or myspace stalking)

There are always maybes but for this Rules Girl, the maybes just don't cut it. I want a REAL man. A man who wants me, not one who needed years of time and convincing to have me. Live your life, move on and then if he ends up on your doorstep in his right mind then you can A. realize you'd rather have someone else anyway or B. be pleasantly surprised.

Of course this all depends on how it ended and how long or serious the relationship was. If it was a REALLY clean and early split, friends can be super easy, but if not... beware of self inflicted pain.

I know some of you won't take this advice... but oh how I wish you would.

XOXO
Rules Girl


stay tuned for more on "how to move on and how to fill the void"

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Homegirl ---> Rapunzel

Rulesgirldictionary.com

Guy does the work (1 definition)
Guy does the work Pronounciation Key (ask'herout) hear
adj. When fine male does the asking, initiates most contact, communication, and makes first moves. (origin: since forever)

LISTEN UP! Let's get one thing straight! When I say "the guy does the work" that does NOT mean that us Rules Girls sit at home waiting for Mr.Wonderful to all-of-a-sudden realize he loves us and show up on our doorstep with a ring and roses in hand. That's labeled pathetic, not The Rules Girl.

Rapunzel?
I'm using an analogy a fine young man once told me. Let's call it The Rapunzel. Girls, we do our part too. Let the hair down! Fluff it, brush it, curl it, flaunt it, and put more down when necessary. Rules Girls make themselves available without being desperate. Rules Girls know the guy does the climbing. We do not do what the other Grimm's do... NO beanstalks.

See... check her out

So glad we cleared that up, phew. We are communicators, like guys, I don't read minds either so next time we have a mix-up would you SAY something. If you have further questions, please e-mail me at therulesgirl@gmail.com.

XOXO
Rules Girl

more to come on reciprocation, and how to flaunt it without being desperate

Friday, January 9, 2009

Texting Guidelines

Dear Rules Girl,

While I was out and about, happily living my own life, I met this guy. We hit it off right away and we've gone out a couple of times. He seems to be giving me all of the right signs that he's interested: we've gone out on some nice dates; he calls/texts me on a somewhat regular basis; we've cuddled and held hands. It feels like we're dating, but nothing has really been said.
My new dilemma is this… sometimes a couple of days will pass without having heard from him. I know he is really busy with work but I don't know if I can text him occasionally to say hello – not start a conversation necessarily, but just let him know he's on my mind. Should I just sit back and wait for him to contact me? At what point in a relationship does the boy stop chasing and you just settle into equal, mutual communication?

Love,
Wants to Play by the Rules


Dear Wants to Play by the Rules,


Some Rules Girls play by the rules, and find themselves broken hearted 3 months later for being "too much" or "moving too fast". Don't be left wishing you had stood your ground and were patient with your man. Until a kiss or two and maybe even a talk, try not to expect too much, and too often from the poor guy. He's just getting used to all this! NEVER fall into old habits. Always let the man take the lead.
Understanding who's initiating each situation will help you know more of how to take the appropriate steps. Has he initiated the past hang outs, texts and phone calls, or have you? When was the last time you text him? Here are a few texting guidelines that I like to live by.
1. Text him if he initiated the last two texts. (Only if necessary! You reciprocating is showing interest enough for the most part)
2. I know it feels like forever, but 48 hours in between communication in the beginning is not that long.
3. Only text him if you have something to say. If you really want to make your presence known, an inside joke or “I just saw ___ and it made me think of ___. Hope you’re having a great day!”. DO NOT overuse this, if at all.
As long as you've been reciprocating when you're together in person, don't worry about him thinking you aren't interested. Continue to play by those rules!

XOXO
Rules Girl


Write in with concerns to therulesgirl@gmail.com

Just Wanna Be Friends

Dear Rules Girl,


I’ve been asked out again by someone I thought I had given a signal to that I wasn't interested (by not being available, and only doing group things) but I guess he didn't get it. He's fine to hang out with but I'm not really interested in dating him - think I need to just spell it out to him? I know I could just say I have other plans again, just not sure what's best (and nicest to him). . .

Thanks,

Just Wanna be Friends



Dear Just Wanna be Friends,


A rules girl never leads a guy on (the nicest thing is to let them move on) so making the clean cut back to friends is the best thing I can suggest. It’s all about the open, but not-too-much communication. You could write a simple e-mail thanking him for the offer, and then say something along these lines:

“I just want to make sure that I haven’t given you the wrong impression of our friendship and if I have, I’m sorry. I would love to be friends with you, but I’m not interested in pursuing anything more than that. If I’ve misinterpreted your invite, please let me know. You’re a good friend, and I would like to continue the friendship as it is.”

It’s a hard place to be… in-between “friends and friendlier”, but you can make it what you want.

Good luck!

XOXO

Rules Girl


Write in with questions, concerns or topics to therulesgirl@gmail.com

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Men will forever be the hunters

Men used to grunt and hit small animals on the head with clubs and build fires with nothing but a stick and rock. Sounds masculine and hot, I know.


ok, so maybe not quite like this - but you get the idea

Now they tackle each other, change tires with their bare hands, and eat big juicy steaks. Even as children they chase each other around with guns and play with muscle bulging G.I.Joes and real fast cars.

Are YOU going to be the one to take the manly out of them by letting them sit around and let you do all the work? They want to do it, I promise they do... so please just let them.

Ask any guy in his right mind and he'll tell you that he prefers to do the work in the relationship. Yea, he appreciates reciprocation, encouragement, communication and adoration... but he definitely likes to be the one to lead, and play the first card.

You're right. Guys often date girls they didn't have to work for. However, how long do those relationships last? And be honest with yourself, how confident are you about the relationship if all he has to do is show up?

Be confident, live a full and happy life, try your best, and naturally he too will come.

XOXO
Rules Girl

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

9 Reasons to Date a nerd

The "too-long" relationship

Once a relationship gets to a certain point... it needs to move one way, or the other.

There are multiple check points like these in a relationship. It's almost like you're hiking a giant mountain... along the way you get to a certain point and evaluate whether or not you're willing to endure the blisters, heat and cramps to keep on hiking. Or you could just quit and walk back down and find a new mountain. Lots of people hike all the way to the top (where I hear there is a great view), but most of us make it only so far. We get pretty high up there, but only about 3/4 the way.

Is it worth it to hike 3/4 of the way and not finish? I think most of us would say the exercise we got along the way was rewarding, but we wish we would've stopped at point X instead of point Y. Point Y was just a little too far and the terrain started to get ugly anyway.

Is this analogy annoying you yet, because I'm tired of it. Here's what I'm saying...

Girls. Sometimes it's time to let go. Sometimes it's mind over matter... even though the matter seems to be what you want. Do you want a man, who doesn't want you? It's brutal, but rules girls have to be self-confident and true to themselves. Live your life...

xoxo
Rules Girl


This guys a keeper