Tuesday, September 29, 2009

MALE RESPONSE to "how to respond to mediochre dates?"

Dear Rules Girl,
In response to your post on "how to respond to mediocre dates":

From a guy's perspective, it's much better to be straight-forward with him. I compare it to ripping off a band-aid: if you do it quick and get it over with, it stings a little but for less time. If you let it drag out, then when you're finally forced to tell him with clarity, the sting will be worse, will last longer, and will be compounded by the fact that you could not be straight-forward him and wasted his time. If this is someone you will have to see again, the awkwardness will be less prolonged if you are clear and up front with him than if you let it drag out.

For a guy to ask a girl out often takes a lot of effort. It's not an easy thing. So, if you expect guys to ask you out, to be clear that they are asking you out (instead of just asking you to hang out when what they really mean is a date), or be clear with you when they like you (instead of just hoping you'll take a hint), then you need to be willing to put the breaks on and say "no" if that is what you mean. That's fair.

I really have to appreciate my sisters always told those guys to not waste their time and money (my younger sister ended up marrying one of those guys, but that's beside the point). There's no need to be mean or nasty, but PLEASE clearly say what you mean.

-- I've been that guy

Thanks for writing in!

Rules Girl

Sunday, September 27, 2009

so sorry

I'm sorry I've been "away". I'll be better I promise...but in the mean time, how often would YOU like me to post?


Rules Girl

LETTER: How to respond to mediocre dates

Hi Rules Girl,

I'm just wondering...at the end of a mediocre date--with a person you will bump into again--when he says "This was great, do you think we should do it again sometime?" is it meaner to say "Sure" and then avoid him, or to just say "Y'know, kinda not". I feel like outright rejection is just too mean, but at the same time, a lot easier on both people. Please advise.

Thank you!
Y'Know, Kinda Not.

Dear Y'Know, Kinda Not,

This is a toughy! Hopefully most of the time, if the date was just 'blah' then he'll recognize that as well and not contact you again, but if not... uh oh. When he says, "Do you think we should do it again sometime?" I almost think it would better to save yourself the future worries, and his time and just say, "yea maybe", or just say "goodnight!" and avoid it if possible. Maybe some kind of response that isn't downright rude, but a negative hint, of please don't ask me again would be best. I think you are right on track with not being mean, but letting them know you aren't interested is the Rules Girl way to be. Be fair to him, be fair to you.

What do our readers think?

Rules Girl

The Rules Girl Uncertainty Theory

Sometimes we'd just rather not know.
We'd rather not know too much about someone...yet.
We'd rather not know where the relationship stands...yet.
We'd rather not have to define how we feel...yet.

It IS possible to give too much information about yourself or want it from others, too soon?
A. Instant boredom for the other person
B. Can scare the other person away as things move faster than they're ready for
C. You move too fast then realize you don't want it because you're "over it".
Don't give someone or yourself more CERTAINTY than they are ready for. Instead, let it come one little increment at a time. Be honest and open of course, but please don't divulge everything or move fast too soon. I've seen too many relationships dissolve because of it.

oh... and don't expect a definition or instant reciprocation of feelings. Sometimes uncertainty regarding how you feel is better than feeling not-so-hot about it... right?

Sometimes Uncertainty is a good thing.
Rules Girl

Disclaimer: Uncertainty Theory is an actual theory within interpersonal communication,
but is not being discussed in an academic sense in this post, please see scholarly journals and
Goffman's "face theory" to better serve your understanding.

RULE #4887: no hitting.

You know those girls who always slap the boys they like when they say something rude or funny? Don't be one of them. Rules Girls don't show affection by hitting, let's call it counterproductive. Instead, maybe you should give a nice touch or even a googlie-eyed glance. I mean anything would do better than a hard slap. Why do we still do the whole 3rd grade slap anyway? I'm wondering if it's because there is a desire to touch, but not send a message of desire. Interesting... Let's mull that one over.

hmmm yea.

anyhoo-moral of the post, remember what your mother always said...
no hitting.


Friday, September 25, 2009



DON'T BE TOO FORWARD, it's creepstery. Show a little interest and then let it go.
Let him come to you, afterall men will forever be the hunters.

Rules Girl

Friday, September 11, 2009

Imagined Interactions

My volleyball coach used to have us take about 5-10 minutes before the game or practice and visualize how we were going to play. It had to be a very descriptive visualization of how we would swing our arm, time our approach, defend, and carry out certain plays. She said that the more we visualized about our sport throughout the day, the better a player we would be. ( this is used for many sports just in case you have a bias vs vball)

Will this work just as well in social interactions?
Imagined interactions could probably help with social anxiety, nerves or just in not ever knowing what to say.

For example, if you have something serious to bring up with your beau or you are going on a first date you could go over multiple scenarios in your head and imagine several ways you would react in the conversation could. This could help you in articulating your feelings in the most effective and even appropriate way.
(Your future first date. if you don't want him, I'll take him. He's presh.)
However, this imagine interactions technique should not be used to an extreme when you aren't going to have interaction with the person... EVER. Don't be that girl. It can be a very dangerous tool in creating a day-dream-stalker who doesn't even know the guy, but has been imagining interactions with him since she first saw him two months ago.

Use imagined interactions when they are useful.
Banish them when they are not.

Rules Girl

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Don't call him... he'll call you

Don't call him. He'll call you.

And if he doesn't... move it along sista. I can't emphasize this fact enough! We have the tendency to give the guy too much credit. Oh, he's busy.... he' needs reassurance, he... blah blah blah.

If he isn't calling, texting, contacting...
he's not interested.

If you have an addiction... to wanting to contact him or be with him. Put him on your do not call list. Either delete his name from your phone, or rename him to "DO NOT CALL".

feel THIS way... because he IS calling. Not the opposite.

Rules Girl

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Rules Girls realize they are... bored.

Rules Girls recognize the difference between crushing no someone because they ACTUALLY like them and crushing on them because they are... dare I say it? ... BORED.

Yea yea, so being bored makes you realize how single and even lonely you may be, but that's why you have to get out and LOVE something... ELSE. Utilize that energy for something productive and AWESOME... and in the meantime you'll most likely find yourself a man who's doing the same thing.

My apologies for neglecting you all...